The
Style Invitational Week 1001 In short, send us a new acronym.
By
Pat Myers, Updated: Thursday, December
13, 6:00 PM
If
your 21st-century incarnation of the typewriter has you “typing” with one
finger instead of 10, or if your “content-sharing platform” lets you impart
your deepest thoughts as long as they don’t exceed 140 characters, you can
appreciate a good acronym. And our own (well, rented-once-a-week) cartoonist
Bob Staake coined his own a while back, and even has a Web page to promote it:
“LOL is too cute. ROFL is too lame. LMAO just isn’t funny. The new Internet
acronym is: PIMPL (Peeing in My Pants Laughing).”
This
week, in a contest suggested in another context by Dave Scocca: Give us a
funny, original acronym (and of course what it stands for). In its traditional
definition, an acronym is a pronounceable word, not an abbreviation that you
pronounce letter by letter. But while true acronyms are likely to be more
interesting, I’ll also consider short spell-out abbreviations that send me ROFLing.
A funny sample tweet or other short sentence is a plus. An unfunny one isn't so
great in a humor contest, KWIM? The acronym doesn’t have to include every word
of the spelled-out term; you may skip articles or prepositions.
Winner
gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the bobblehead that is the official Style
Invitational trophy. Second place receives a bubble wand depicting what Loser
Barbara Turner deemed the Vampire Butterfly — presumably to make a better
bubble somehow, the butterfly’s mouth consists of a circle lined with teeth.
Speaking of orifices (as we are wont to do), we’ll also throw in a nose-shaped
pencil sharpener, donated by Marleen May. Yes, you stick the pencil in a
nostril.
Other
runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired
Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First
Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their
first ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, Dec.
24 (why, do you have something better to do that day?); results published Jan.
13 (online Jan. 10). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include
“Week 1001” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include
your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest
rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. The subhead for this week’s
honorable mentions is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the “Next
week’s results” line is by Jeff Contompasis. Join the lively Style Invitational
Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report
from Week 997, in which, in this season of giving, we
asked you to offer up some Unworthy Causes, or dubious charities. There seems
to be much Loser support for a Fund for the 1 Percent.
The
winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Washington
Wizards Basketball Camp Foundation: Contributions help provide basketball
lessons to actual Washington Wizards. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
2.
Winner of the caganer, the traditional Catalan Nativity figurine of a pooping
child:
Bigots
Defense Fund: Did you know that Bigo-Americans are the most oppressed minority
group in America today? Please give generously — even you Jews. (Dixon Wragg,
Santa Rosa, Calif.)
3. Shy Bladders Anonymous: A 12-step public restroom program. “Pee
all that you can pee.” (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
4.
Tweeting Is Fundamental: Because today’s teenagers really need lessons in how
to be more sarcastic. (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
Goof
Samaritans: honorable mentions
The
Young Men With Guns Club: Give now! I said NOW. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
The
National Foundation Foundation: A support group for fallen women. (Beverley
Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Show
Your Can! Your donations purchase fake cans of food to be used as props at
future celebrity disaster fundraising events. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
The
March of Loonies: Your spare Canadian coins can help find a cure for sanity.
(Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
The
American Rung Association: Sponsoring charity balls for social climbers. (Kathy
El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)
So
Others Might Cheat: This compassionate group provides cellphones, adult Web
site memberships, and even money for motels to indigent married people who
otherwise could not afford the joys of infidelity. (Tom Witte, Montgomery
Village, Md.)
National
Trust for Histrionic Preservation: Show! Us! You! Care! (Anne Shively,
Broadlands, Va.)
APPS
(Adults Paired Proactively or Something): This organization pairs teen mentors
with adults to save the latter from such daily mortifications as mispronouncing
Ke$ha or wondering aloud what MILF means. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
The
Terrorist Reformation Society: We help would-be terrorists turn their lives
around by giving them the tools they need for a legitimate trade, such as
fertilizer for farming, nails for building and bullets for hunting. (Scott
Poyer, Annapolis, Md.)
Plutocrats Anonymous: Brother, can you spare a diamond? (Chris
Doyle)
Graypeace:
A commuter-centric organization focused on preventing the nation’s precious
parking lots from being wiped out and turned into unpaved, undrivable space.
(David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)
Yellow
Kevlar Ribbon Fund: Your gift supports our troops with research into new
high-strength materials to tie generals’ zippers shut. (Gary Crockett, Chevy
Chase, Md.)
Money
to Burn:To combat society’s lamentable obsession with the pursuit of money, we
collect cash donations and publicly burn them. (No coins, please.) (Robert
Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
The
VDW: Addressing the needs of our surviving veterans of America’s domestic wars.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Floridians
Lining Up to Fight Frostbite (FLUFF): We’re winning the battle — no reported
cases last year! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
The
EBookmobile: 40-foot-long RVs deliver e-books on thumb drives to kids who
forget their network passwords. (David Genser)
Solicitors
Alliance for the Demoralized (SAD): Our focus is to restore and rebuild the
lost confidence and vanquished self-esteem affecting telemarketers, pollsters
and door-to-door salesmen suffering rejection after rejection. Help expand our
program so we can stop turning these desperate people away! (Jonathan and Marna
Gettleman, Ashburn, Va.)
Jaywalkers
Against Verbal Abuse: A fund to provide earmuffs for sensitive street-crossers
who get yelled at. (Nandini Lal, Bethesda, Md.)
Animals
for the Ethical Treatment of People: A confederation of grizzlies dedicated to
giving terrified hikers a 30-second head start. (Beverley Sharp)
Smooth-Tailed
Urban Ground Squirrel Rescue League: “Look at this poor creature living in the
shadows, scrounging to stay alive. Surely he would thrive in a good home . . .”
(Mark Raffman; Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
Unplanned
Parenthood: An affiliate of the Just Say No Foundation. “We deliver! Good luck
after that!” (Kathy El-Assal)
Writer’s Block Relief Fund: Charity begins a tome. (Chris Doyle)
The
Pro Defamation League: Help wipe out amateur insults and bigotry. (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)
Glove
Me Tender: Raising money to provide gloves for American League designated
hitters so that they don’t feel left out in the dugout. (David Ballard, Reston,
Va.)
Appendix
Donor Registry: Maintains a database of patients waiting to replace a lost
vestige. (Jeff Contompasis)
The
Jail Bait Fund: Sponsor one of the young ladies pictured below and we will send
you monthly photo updates of your young woman as she develops. (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)
Socks
Without Partners: Every day thousands of socks across the country mysteriously
lose their “sole mates” in washers and dryers, ending up forgotten in the backs
of drawers, or humiliated by being used to buff the wax on cars. Please
contribute to help these poor socks find a match. (Bill Nilsen, Arlington)
The
Salivation Army: “It won’t be your heart that grows three sizes”: For every $25
donated, Santa’s helper Dancer or Vixen will give you a special Christmas story
complete with a happy ending. For $50 you can get an oral story. (Bird Waring)
Namibian
Environmental Restoration Fund: In 1976 “Saturday Night Live” anticipated this
contest with “Fondue Sets for Namibia.” Unfortunately, many of those fondue
sets now sit in landfills, leaching toxic metals into the soil. Now please give
to retrieve the fondue sets from Namibia. (Mark Raffman)
Next
week’s results: There Ought to Be Your Law, or Justice Is Swerved